Knowing

I've heard people talk about whether or not they would want to know if something was going to happen to them if they had a choice.  It's kind of like what I am going through - I still don't know how to answer.  Knowing there is a potentially big problem that could occur - hemorrhaging, hospital bed rest, early delivery, hysterectomy, is making me CRAZY.  EVERY night as I am laying down to go to bed, my mind begins to race.  What if I start bleeding now?  Will I know, will I make it?  How will I prepare for a long stay in the hospital?  How will the boys take it?  Will it change them?  How will my husband "do it all" from work to the house to making sure the kids are taken care of?  What are the exact dates for the hospital stay?  What is the new due date?  Will the baby be ok?  Will she be in the NICU, how long?  I am talking about tossing and turning crazy.  I make sure I tell Brian to check on me multiple times.  I have never been so scared in all my life.  I am terrified of something happening.  Each time I go to pee (which is a lot right now) I say a prayer that there isn't any blood.  So with all of that, I wish I didn't know right now.  Its too soon.  Most women dont' find out until their 20 week ultrasound, but we chose to have the first trimester ultra screen ultrasound b/c our insurance covered it, so why not?  Why not?  Because the only time I don't think about it is when I am busy with the boys.  I am terrified to buy anything baby - I need to get a move on her room, but as soon as I see something I like, I freeze up.  The good thing about knowing early is I am closely monitored.  I will have several ultrasounds, I know what to do if I spot or cramp - head to the nearest ER.  We also have the time to prepare and make arrangements for the boys.  So knowing does have a few pluses, not many but maybe the most important ones - saving my life, saving the baby's life, and making sure the boys are taken care of.  Well I am 14 weeks pregnant in 30 minutes:)  14 weeks until I may be living at Northside when I am 28 weeks pregnant.  14 weeks doesn't seem like a long time, spending time with my family, planning for our new baby, and lots of dr. appts will fill the days quickly.  My tired pregnant body is ready to sleep, I hope my mind is as well.  I am off to say my prayers - they are a bit longer these days.