Life is About Changes

Ahhh! First I can't believe I haven't written since July 19.  That is just how life has been CRAZY!  I have lots to blog about...the lake trip, Addison modeling, the boys growing, Addison turning three months, Myrtle Beach trip, and I am sure other milestones that I have missed writing about.  But first I must write about tomorrow...

As I think of tomorrow I think of these song lyrics"I called up mama, she said time will heal your pain, life is about changes nothing ever stays the same."  Tomorrow Logan starts pre-k and tomorrow I return to work.

Austin will be three in October, I have been home with the kids since the day he was born.  I feel blessed to have had that time with them.  I never thought about working or staying home until I had Logan.  I remember the first day I left him with my mom and I went to pick him up after school, she had him outside with her waiting for me.  I got out of the car and just sobbed.  I had missed him so much, it was hard.  Eventually we all adjusted.  Then we were blessed with Austin and we knew something would have to change because we had two babies under 2!  So after Austin was born I became a stay at home mom.  I loved it.  I was made for it.  Some people like it some don't.  Taking care of the house, the kids, I loved it all.  Sure there were bad times and hard times financially but we made it through.  Of course there were days I was counting the hours until an adult would be in my presence.  But for the most part its what I did, it was my thing.

I was sitting at the beach over the weekend playing with Logan and Austin in the ocean and after I sat down and thought did I play with them enough, did we go to enough places, did I color, did I hold them enough?  Thankfully I know in my heart I did it all and though I am only working part time and I have a lot of time off, I will miss lazy mornings of not having to rush to be anywhere.  Eventually my bliss would have had to come to an end.  The kids have to go to school, but it pains me to think that this is it, the time has come when one of my baby birds has to go to school which will begin never a year without school.  If my kids ever read this I just hope they know how much I cherished piling in my bed in the morning watching the Disney channel. 

Life is changing and I really don't want it to.  I so wish I welcomed change more than I do.  I don't feel "ready" for this.  But ready or not Logan is going to pre-k tomorrow and I am going to teach pre-k tomorrow. 

Addison's 2 Month Well Check

*I am behind with A's birth story and first month.  I will get to it this week, its my goal:)

At two months Addison is weighing in at 10lbs 11.7oz.  She is 21 inches long and perfect head to toe:)  Of course she had her immunizations which made me very sad, however thanks to Logan and Austin I was distracted by the normal fight over the I-Pad.  Ever taken 3 kids under 4 to the pediatrician for a well visit - its not for the weak that is for sure and people wonder how I lost all my baby weight in two months (all except 5 lbs, but if I ever weigh 105 again I will be shocked).  All Brian could say was "I don't know how you do it."  He actually does it better than me at times.  He is a great dad our kids are very lucky to have him.
2 Months went by quickly and Addison's personality is starting to shine.  She is smiling all the time, giggles, coos, makes razz sounds, and gets her tongue going like she wants to say something.  Addison is mesmerized by ceiling fans and for some reason the rod iron piece we have hanging on the wall.  She sleeps through the night and has been since she was 3 weeks old.  She loves her bouncy seat and LOVES her swing.  Addison is not a fan of getting dressed or getting out of the bath tub.  She loves her baths but hates getting out.  Addison loves bottles so much so that she rarely wants to nurse, but she wants breast milk.  So mommy is pumping, trying nipple shields, letting her nurse when she wants (usually at night).  I had saved up 75 bags of breast milk because in the beginning I had some nipple issues (bleeding) so I had to pump and I was pumping more than she needed.  So I have a lot milk saved but we are also introducing her to formula. She doesn't care as long as she gets fed when she is hungry and that is usually the only time she cries. Addison drinks 4-5 oz of milk every 2 1/2 to 3 hours during the day.  Her last feeding is 9 or 10 and then she will sleep 7 or 8 hours.
Addison, your brothers are in love with you.  I thought the newness of a baby in the house would wear off - oh no!  Austin wakes up in the morning wanting to know where his baby is.  They both kiss her, hug her, hold her, try and play with her, give her toys, etc. 
She goes everywhere with me.  I did leave all three kids home with Brian to go to Publix and felt sad until I was home again.  She's our baby girl and we love her to pieces.  Oh and dressing her and all the bows and accessories NEVER gets old.  I love getting her dressed every day.  I bought her baby nail polish (had no clue there was specific nail polish for babies) so we can paint her toes - pink of course! 

 We brought the play mat out at 2 months:)

 The evening of immunizations...sad girl

 Baths make everything better

 Loves her swing just like her brothers did

 Se reminds me of Logan here

 Happy 2 months beautiful girl

 So in love with this baby

2 Weeks Later

Last Friday a week after my initial visit to my dr. I sat down with my dr. to talk about where I was at.  He said at my initial visit he was close to putting me in the hospital and I was 12, 15 being the worst he's seen.  Well at least I wasn't the worst.  He began by asking how I felt based on that scale.  I stated I felt I was a 7. Able to take care of my babies but not ready for social settings.  He felt like I was headed in the right direction.  I thanked him, really thanked him - he saved me (whether it be saved my life or took the pain away - he saved me).  Joy has reentered my life.  I am still on a boat load of medicine.  Not sure how long for, but as far as I am concerned I remember all too well sitting in the corner of my bedroom rocking and bawling for hours - I'll take the meds over that any day. 

I just really really want to thank so many people who have sent me text messages, phone messages, facebook messages daily to check on me and to see if I needed anything.  I will never forget your kindness and support. 

Tomorrow I visit my dr. again.  Kind of in the same place a 7.  I think it has a lot to due with Addison not nursing only taking bottles so I would be pumping and giving her bottles around the clock.  It was too much.  Turns out sweet girl has thrush (we found out today).  So she is in a lot of pain to nurse and taking the bottle is easier.  So she is on medicine and hopefully this will workout and we can get back to nursing.  I can't go on pumping around the clock with my two sweet boys that need me, so we will see how this turns out. 

Updates and pictures - I PROMISE!  Coming soon.  Thank you again xoxo

Present Again

So it's been a week since I saw my dr. and started takimg medicine. It hasnt been an easy week especially adjusting to the meds. However the outpour of support from family and friends has deeply touched me and helped to get me through the day. I know it is difficult to understand postpartum depression If you have never gone through it. My previous post was a reflection on how I felt. Each woman feels differently after having a baby hormones play a huge role as well. I am not suicidal but stand by the statement that my I was in so much emotional/mental pain I needed it to go away I couldn't live one more minute the way I felt and I didn't. I took the right steps and got the medical help I needed. The support from our family and friends means so much to me and Brian....the dinners, cards, Facebook messages, texts, errands, offers to do just about anything we needed. Thank you really thank you for the continuous love you have shown.

The past two days I have been very present (finally). I have spent the days with just my kids as Brian was working long hours. Yesterday I set up their pool and watched them jump off the back of their John Deere tractor aka the mystery machine yelling "look mom! Watch this!" I listened to my daughter make her first real coo sounds like she has something to say, she has the most beautiful smile. Today I took the three of them to chick fil a. I just sat there and watched my boys eat dipping their chicken in polynesian sauce. I realized that I didn't want to miss these moments and just how lucky I am to have the three of them and the abundance of love I feel for each of them. They are gifts from God that I need not taken for granted and that being their mommy is the most important job I will ever have. I wish I could bottle up their innocence, their joy and love for life.

Addison twirls my hair when she nurses, I simply adore her.Logan calls toenails "nail toes" and I don't correct him because soon enough he will be corrected in preschool and I will never hear his little voice mention needing his nail toes cut. The way austin says mom is so sweet and when he wants something he squints his eyes and talks in a whisper (like I'm going to get you). The endless songs we sing, puzzles and trains we play, the questions that are always coming, the hugs and kisses, the laughter, and endless love will get me through this along with a great husband who says "it's ok to cry" or "I'll do dinner."

Thank you again for reaching out and picking me back up when I was waaaaay down. Love to all. Pictures of my beautiful children coming soon.

6 Weeks Postpartum Where Am I?

Before I begin I need to say something to my children who may read this someday...What Mommy is about to write has nothing to do with any of you.  You are all so young that you will never remember this time, but I forever will.  Logan, Austin, and Addison you are reasons for living and for doing what I need to do to get better. 

Where have I been?  Its so unlike me not to post blogs, answer emails, answer texts (not really a phone person but haven't been returning calls), and comptelely out of the facebook loop.  As a good friend put it I am in the depths of hell...a place no new mother deserves to be. 

Unfortunately I suffered postpartum depression after beging prengnat with both Logan and Austin.  After Addison was born I thought I was in control and we would get though the first few weeks.  Week 1 I spent in the hospital healing, being waited on, taken care of, and just holding my baby.Week 2 I was home, Brian was home a lot and my mom was here when he couldn't be.  Week 3 and 4 though I wasn't in physical pain from the surgery I continuted to take my pain medication daily several times daily.  I felt great had the house, the kids, everything was in working order.  I even managed to get together Addison's birth announcment.  Well week 5 came and I don't know what happened.  I no longer had pain medicine, Brian was back at work full time, my mom was back to her day to day, my in laws were in NJ as my mother in law lost her mother, my friends were enjoying their summer, and I sat in my house staring at the walls as they were closing in.  Each day that week was worse than the day before.  By Friday I wanted to die.  The pain I had deep inside made me want to die.  I wanted it to go away, needed it to go away.  I would beg Brian not to go to work each day that week, I couldn't play with my kids, could barely take care of the kids and the house, didn't want to get out of bed, and cried and cried and cried.  I didn't want to hurt my kids or myself but I didn't want to be here or to live one more minute this way.  I HATED everything.  If I was't crying I was screaming in rage at Brian.  I sat on the floor for hours Friday the 24th and sobbed.  Brian did some research and we called my dr.  who's office closed early that day.  The nurse directed me to go to another office downtown, but I couldn't.  I could barely move let a lone drive down town to be seen.  So I stayed home, my mom came over and I did what I needed to that week to survive, taking it minute by minute.  Brian took time off and then I had an appt with my OB for my 6 week check up today. 

I was diagnosed with severe postpartum depression.  I was prescribed Zoloft 200 mg, Wellbutrin 300 mg and Ativan.  My dr. told Brian not to leave me alone for long periods of time that it was time to call in the troops.  Any help we could afford or were able to get is what we needed to do.  I go back to the dr. next Friday July 8.  If I am 10% better we are on the right track, if not he will have to refer me out to a facility or physciatrist.  Please pray I am at least 10% better. 

I need to say this...I know how blessed I am to have three healthy, beautiful children.  Addison is perfect just as my boys are.  Again this has nothing to do with them.  It is hormonal along with some environmental things that my dr. wants me to work on and get help with (like laundry, cleaning, a sitter).  I reached my breaking point.

I have reached out to some dear friends that I couldn't get through this without.  My friend Janelle sent me a text asking which of the things she listed I would like her to do.  One was for her to make several dinners.  Today she brought over enough food for a week!  She would just sit with me so I am not alone but for her to make all that food so I wouldn't have to worry about it, well I will never forget her kindness.  Holly (my step mom) was great with information on different medications and checking in several times each day.  My best friend Elizabeth wants to come here and help with my kids leaving her own kids at home!  I have friends who text to check in, I have friends and family that are going to see me through this.  My mom is down the street I just need to call out to her more.  She is going to help us get someone in to take care of the house for a little bit.  Again just grateful for the support and love.  For those who did not know, I am not one to air dirty laundry and I am not good about asking for help.  I am sorry you may feel left out, but know not many knew about my suffereing.  I suffered in silence, but know now I can't keep going on like that.

So that is where I am at.  I am sad that this is happening once again but on such a large scale is scary.  Taking life day by day, really hour by hour, even minute by minute.  Asking and taking help, getting better so I can be a wife to my husband and be a mother my babies so deserve.  Thank you God for my husband who has taken on everything in home and the care of our of children while going to work. 

I will write more when I can and hopefully get Addison's birth story and pictures up soon.

Harris Family Party of Five!

Addison Kathleen Harris was born on Thursday, May 19, 2011 at 9:59 PM.  She has a head full of black hair and is a little princess weighing 6lbs 11oz and 19 inches long.  We are all very much in love with her.  Her birth story as well as a recap of each week of her life is coming soon.

Mommy's girl is here!

 Love Love Love this baby

 Daddy LOVES his princess too

 Mommy, Daddy, and Addison at Midnight 2 hours after she was born

 LOVE BIG BOWS

 First outfit I dressed Addison in during our hospital stay

 Our family

 Its a bit crazy

 But we embrace the crazy. 

 Logan holding his sister for the first time

 Austin warming up to Addison giving his baby kisses

38 Weeks...Last Post Before Baby!

Well I think this will be the last post before I have Addison.  I am exhausted and really the only thing I should be doing on the computer right now is grad school stuff preparing for a week off:)  I went to my 38 week appt yesterday with Brian and the boys.  The night before Brian stated he would be talking with the dr. so I could go ahead and have the baby; he also threw in that since the nurse (when I was pregnant with Logan) said he was as pregnant as I was he had a say in the matter...Well we went and nothing has changed.  Through all the walking, cleaning, and other stuff I did to try to get my body going, nothing did the trick.  SO that leads me to think I should just relax (ha) and wait until Monday morning.  Everything is planned out from the boys staying with my mom the night before to my sweet dr. agreeing to deliver me at the hospital closer to us rather than going to the ATL location.  We'll leave the house at 4am and get checked in.  By 4:45ish I should be in my room getting an epidural then off to surgery at 6:30ish.  My dr. did say if I was to call "thinking" I was in labor that I could go down and have the baby this week.  Brian is all about that, but for some reason through all the contractions, back pain, sleepless nights, and feeling like blah I just want to wait until Monday.  I think I am nervous.  Nervous about surgery, nervous about how the boys will adjust, nervous about taking care of another little person.  So unless I am in serious pain I am going to wait.  Today the boys and I had a lunch date at Mellow Mushroom.  I sat there thinking that may be the last time its just the three of us at lunch.  As I was watching them play the other day at the playground I teared up hoping I showed them enough love and attention, just feeling worried at how a new baby tends to take over the house.  Then I remembered their sweet, fun personalities and how Brian and I have spent day after day nurturing the relationships we have them.  They are going to be fine, its me who needs a bit more reassurance (Thank God for Brian).  When I shared my concerns with Brian he said he would be with me every minute during surgery holding my hand and as far as feeling overwhelmed about adding a third that he would be here to help me.  I think we will all be ok and feel very blessed to be adding a baby girl to our family. 

Pregnancy Highlights

How Far Along: 38 Weeks

Size of baby: Addison's now the size of a watermelon!

The last bits of vernix caseosa (the white goo keeping baby's skin moist) and lanugo (downy hair) are slowly shedding into my amniotic fluid. Baby's head is about the same circumference as her abdomen, and her head could be covered in an inch or so of hair (WOOHOO bring on the hair, Mama's got the bows ready)!from the bump.com.

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Final weigh says I weigh 140. So from the starting weight of 105, I gained 35lbs.
Maternity Clothes: My regular tops are getting a bit short to cover the belly! I have a lot of summer maternity clothes from the boys so those are out and I am also loving the long maxi dresses. Still love my Gilligan & O'Malley black yoga like pants from Target.

Gender: It's a girl!!! Addison Kathleen Harris

Movement: This week Addison hasn't moved much sending me into a complete crazy state of worrying all day long and laying on my side and drink coconut mocha fraps to get her moving! However she still has hiccups every day. 
Sleep: Well I have AWFUL back pain, especially my right side where my sciatic nerve is involved. Once I get to sleep I can sleep but getting comfortable is hard and requires at least 10 pillows! I have been waking up at 6am and am up for the day. Not loving that at all. I can't wait to sleep again - well in several months from now I guess!

What I miss: Not much but sleeping on my stomach and not having back pain.

Cravings: WATERMELON I ate a whole one in two days (Austin helped some). Rita's also has watermelon ice that I LOVE

Symptoms: Mostly heartburn! She has hair:) Contractions and lots of pressure.

Best Moment of the Week:  Final countdown and some fun stuff arriving in the mail:)

Mimi bought this for Addison - Love it

 I bought this OVER THE TOP and am in LOVE.  It is packed in the hospital bag:)

 Sweet flower hat

 38 Weeks Pregnant - heading to chuck-e-cheese to celebrate Logan turning 4 (Sunday the 15th)

 Love this four year old boy!

37 Weeks & Mother's Day 2011

On Saturday we spent the afternoon with my mom-in-law to celebrate her and how much we appreciate all she does for us. On Sunday Brian left some special treats for me but had to be at work. So the boys and I got up and got dressed and met my family for breakfast and some water fun in their driveway. It was a nice day, I was really just happy to be sitting down and being with my babies.  When we were at my in-laws on Saturday we sat down for dinner.  Logan said "everybody hold hands" and then he said our dinner prayer followed by signing the cross.  Love that boy!

Love my babies and can't wait for there to be 3!

 My mom and me with the boys

 Water fun

 Oh so big and white (I need a tan)!

 My mom with her kids

 The moms :)

Mother's Day was a nice day, but I was really looking forward to my OB appt today.  I knew I had made progress and couldn't wait to find out just how much.  Addison is low, my cervix (tmi) is soft, and 1 cm dilated.  My dr. said my body is working on it, well keep on working body I can't wait to see my baby girl.  My blood pressure is good, my weight is the same, Addison's heart rate was 146 and she is measuring a week behind.  I was concerned with the measurements, but my OB said she is great and will probably weigh close to 7 lbs but not much more.  Logan was 7 lbs 8 oz and Austin was 7 lbs 14 oz.  We will see in less than 2 weeks!  I can't believe in two Mondays from now I will be holding my girl. 

37 weeks



Pregnancy Highlights

How Far Along: 37 Weeks

Size of baby: Addison's now the size of a watermelon!
I'm full term (yay!) baby is gaining about 1/2 ounce a day and getting her first sticky poop (called meconium) ready.  She's also brushing up on skills for the outside world: blinking, sucking, inhaling, exhaling, and gripping (it's getting strong!) from the bump.com.

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Well no more weight loss but only packed on one pound within a week! Total weight gain 33lbs. Starting weight 105 current weight 138 lbs.

Maternity Clothes: My regular tops are getting a bit short to cover the belly! I have a lot of summer maternity clothes from the boys so those are out and I am also loving the long maxi dresses. Still love my Gilligan & O'Malley black yoga like pants from Target.

Gender: It's a girl!!! Addison Kathleen Harris

Movement: Addison is slowing down some, but still has hiccups like a champ - several times a day!

Sleep: Well I have AWFUL back pain, especially my right side where my sciatic nerve is involved. Once I get to sleep I can sleep but getting comfortable is hard and requires at least 10 pillows! I have been waking up at 6am and am up for the day.  Not loving that at all.  I can't wait to sleep again - well in several months from now I guess!

What I miss: Not much but sleeping on my stomach and not having back pain.

Cravings: WATERMELON I ate a whole one in two days (Austin helped some).  Rita's also has watermelon ice that I LOVE

Symptoms: Mostly heartburn! She has hair:) Contractions and lots of pressure.