6 Weeks Postpartum Where Am I?

Before I begin I need to say something to my children who may read this someday...What Mommy is about to write has nothing to do with any of you.  You are all so young that you will never remember this time, but I forever will.  Logan, Austin, and Addison you are reasons for living and for doing what I need to do to get better. 

Where have I been?  Its so unlike me not to post blogs, answer emails, answer texts (not really a phone person but haven't been returning calls), and comptelely out of the facebook loop.  As a good friend put it I am in the depths of hell...a place no new mother deserves to be. 

Unfortunately I suffered postpartum depression after beging prengnat with both Logan and Austin.  After Addison was born I thought I was in control and we would get though the first few weeks.  Week 1 I spent in the hospital healing, being waited on, taken care of, and just holding my baby.Week 2 I was home, Brian was home a lot and my mom was here when he couldn't be.  Week 3 and 4 though I wasn't in physical pain from the surgery I continuted to take my pain medication daily several times daily.  I felt great had the house, the kids, everything was in working order.  I even managed to get together Addison's birth announcment.  Well week 5 came and I don't know what happened.  I no longer had pain medicine, Brian was back at work full time, my mom was back to her day to day, my in laws were in NJ as my mother in law lost her mother, my friends were enjoying their summer, and I sat in my house staring at the walls as they were closing in.  Each day that week was worse than the day before.  By Friday I wanted to die.  The pain I had deep inside made me want to die.  I wanted it to go away, needed it to go away.  I would beg Brian not to go to work each day that week, I couldn't play with my kids, could barely take care of the kids and the house, didn't want to get out of bed, and cried and cried and cried.  I didn't want to hurt my kids or myself but I didn't want to be here or to live one more minute this way.  I HATED everything.  If I was't crying I was screaming in rage at Brian.  I sat on the floor for hours Friday the 24th and sobbed.  Brian did some research and we called my dr.  who's office closed early that day.  The nurse directed me to go to another office downtown, but I couldn't.  I could barely move let a lone drive down town to be seen.  So I stayed home, my mom came over and I did what I needed to that week to survive, taking it minute by minute.  Brian took time off and then I had an appt with my OB for my 6 week check up today. 

I was diagnosed with severe postpartum depression.  I was prescribed Zoloft 200 mg, Wellbutrin 300 mg and Ativan.  My dr. told Brian not to leave me alone for long periods of time that it was time to call in the troops.  Any help we could afford or were able to get is what we needed to do.  I go back to the dr. next Friday July 8.  If I am 10% better we are on the right track, if not he will have to refer me out to a facility or physciatrist.  Please pray I am at least 10% better. 

I need to say this...I know how blessed I am to have three healthy, beautiful children.  Addison is perfect just as my boys are.  Again this has nothing to do with them.  It is hormonal along with some environmental things that my dr. wants me to work on and get help with (like laundry, cleaning, a sitter).  I reached my breaking point.

I have reached out to some dear friends that I couldn't get through this without.  My friend Janelle sent me a text asking which of the things she listed I would like her to do.  One was for her to make several dinners.  Today she brought over enough food for a week!  She would just sit with me so I am not alone but for her to make all that food so I wouldn't have to worry about it, well I will never forget her kindness.  Holly (my step mom) was great with information on different medications and checking in several times each day.  My best friend Elizabeth wants to come here and help with my kids leaving her own kids at home!  I have friends who text to check in, I have friends and family that are going to see me through this.  My mom is down the street I just need to call out to her more.  She is going to help us get someone in to take care of the house for a little bit.  Again just grateful for the support and love.  For those who did not know, I am not one to air dirty laundry and I am not good about asking for help.  I am sorry you may feel left out, but know not many knew about my suffereing.  I suffered in silence, but know now I can't keep going on like that.

So that is where I am at.  I am sad that this is happening once again but on such a large scale is scary.  Taking life day by day, really hour by hour, even minute by minute.  Asking and taking help, getting better so I can be a wife to my husband and be a mother my babies so deserve.  Thank you God for my husband who has taken on everything in home and the care of our of children while going to work. 

I will write more when I can and hopefully get Addison's birth story and pictures up soon.